It’s amazing what one has to believe to believe in gun control:

That a punk wakes up one morning, and thinks, “Gee, instead of robbing, raping, sodomizing and killing a young woman, why don’t I turn my $600 gun in for $20 and a pizza and go work at McDonalds?” 

That the more helpless you are, the safer you are from criminals. 

That you should give a mugger your wallet, because he doesn’t really want to shoot you and he’ll let you go, but that you should give him your wallet, because he’ll shoot you if you don’t. 

That Washington DC’s low murder rate of 69 per 100,000 is due to strict gun control, and Indianapolis’ high murder rate of 5.5 per 100,000 is attributable to the utter lack of gun control. 

That despite all the outrage about Corporate America’s cavalier treatment of employees, Domino’s Pizza’s demand that employees be unarmed is an altruistic effort to stop them from hurting themselves, and not a calculated financial bid to avoid having a lawsuit filed by a dead robber’s family. 

That one can sue a store for having a slick floor, falling ceilings, and sharp corners, but if they refuse to let you bring a gun in and you get shot by a criminal, they aren’t liable for enforcing that rule with others. 

That there is no right of self defense, but the police are not legally obligated to respond to my cries for help when disarmed, but you can sue them if they take too long to get to a traffic accident. 

That assault rifles are far too powerful to hunt deer and elk, and too dangerous for private citizens to own, but are too impotent for modern warfare, too weak to reliably kill soldiers, and have no place in the concept of a citizen reserve. 

That the preferred weapon of a drug dealer is a $25 .22 pocket pistol, and the preferred weapon of a drug dealer is a $12,000 machinegun. 

That any cheap weapon is a “Saturday night special,” and any expensive weapon is an “assault weapon.” 

That “Cops” and other shows are edited to show the boring encounters with traffic stops and the occasional drunken fool with a revolver in his pocket, and never show the millions of cases where the cops are gunned down in droves by machinegun toting drug dealers. 

That “NYPD Blue” and “Miami Vice” are documentaries. 

That an intruder will be incapacitated by tear gas or oven spray, but if shot with a .44 Magnum will get angry and kill you. 

That firearms in the hands of private citizens are the gravest threat to world peace, and China, Pakistan and North Korea can be trusted with nuclear weapons. 

That Charlton Heston as president of the NRA is a shill who should be ignored, but Michael Douglas as a representative of Handgun Control, Inc. is an ambassador for peace who is entitled to an audience at the UN arms control summit. 

That ordinary people, in the presence of guns, turn into slaughtering butchers, and revert to normal when the weapon is removed. 

That someone who fails to clear his weapon, fails to point it in a safe direction, pulls the trigger without checking the chamber, and blows his foot off is an example of how even a “trained professional” can be a “victim” of a diabolical gun, but people in the military, who clean weapons
millions of times a year without getting hurt, are “dumb grunts.” 

That the New England Journal of Medicine is filled with expert advice about guns, just like Guns and Ammo has some excellent treatises on heart surgery. 

That one should consult an automotive engineer for safer seatbelts, a civil engineer for a better bridge, a surgeon for spinal paralysis, a computer programmer for Y2K problems, and Sarah Brady for firearms expertise. 

That the best thing our kids can do to bullies and drug dealers is “just say no,” and fight back, and the best thing we can do to bullies and drug dealers is to give them $50 and wait for them to go away. 

That it’s outrageous that the Milwaukee police took 45 minutes to respond to reports of Jeffrey Dahmer’s last victim running around naked in the cold, then returned him to his attacker without checking ID, but the best thing a citizen can do in an emergency is dial 911. 

That the “right of the people peaceably to assemble,” the “right of the people to be secure in their homes,” “enumerations herein of certain rights shall not be construed to disparage others retained by the people,” “The powers not delegated herein are reserved to the states respectively, and to the people,” refer to individuals, but “the right of the people to keep and bear arms” refers to the states. 

That the 2nd Amendment, ratified in 1791, allows the states to have a National Guard, created by act of Congress in 1916. 

That the National Guard, paid by the federal government, occupying property leased to the federal government, using weapons owned by the federal government, punishing trespassers under federal law, is a state agency. 

That private citizens can’t have handguns, because they serve no militia purpose, even though the military has hundreds of thousands of them, and private citizens can’t have assault rifles, because they are military weapons. 

That it is reasonable for California to have a minimum 2 year sentence for possessing but not using an assault rifle, and reasonable for California to have a 6 month minimum sentence for raping a female police officer. 

That minimum sentences violate civil rights, unless it’s for possessing a gun. 

That door-to-door searches for drugs are a gross violation of civil rights and a sign of fascism, but door-to-door searches for guns are a reasonable solution to the “gun problem.” 

That the first amendment absolutely allows child pornography and threats to kill cops, but doesn’t apply to manuals on gun repair. 

That Illinois' law that allows almost any government official from Governor to dogcatcher to carry a gun is reasonable, and the law that prohibits any private citizen, even one with 50 death threats on file and a million dollar jewelry business, is reasonable. And it isn't a sign of police stateism.

That free speech entitles one to own newspapers, transmitters, computers, and typewriters, but self defense only justifies bare hands. 

That with the above, a 90 lb woman attacked by a 300 lb rapist and his 300 lb buddy, has the “right” to kill them in self defense, provided she uses her bare hands. 

That there’s nothing in the Constitution that specifically prohibits banning certain guns, but there is something in the Constitution that specifically prohibits banning certain sex acts. 

That gun safety courses in school only encourage kids to commit violence, but sex education in school doesn’t encourage kids to have sex. 

That the ready availability of guns today, with only a few government forms, waiting periods, checks, infringements, ID, and fingerprinting, is responsible for all the school shootings, compared to the lack of school shootings in the 1950’s and 1960’s, which was caused by the awkward availability of guns at any hardware store, gas station, and by mail order. 

That we must get rid of guns because a deranged lunatic may go on a shooting spree at any time, and anyone who owns a gun out of fear of such a lunatic is paranoid. 

That there is too much explicit violence featuring guns on TV, and that cities can sue gun manufacturers because people aren’t aware of the dangers involved with guns.

That the gun lobby’s attempt to run a “don’t touch” campaign about kids handling guns is propaganda, and the anti-gun lobby’s attempt to run a “don’t touch” campaign is responsible social activity. 

That the crime rate in America is decreasing because of gun control, and the increase in crime requires more gun control. 

That 100 years after its founding, the NRA got into the politics of guns from purely selfish motives, and 100 years after the Emancipation Proclamation, the black civil rights movement was founded from purely noble motives. 

That statistics showing high murder rates justify gun control, and statistics that show increasing murder rates after gun control are “just statistics.” 

That we don’t need guns against an oppressive government, because the Constitution has internal safeguards, and we should ban and seize all guns, therefore violating the 2nd, 4th, 5th and 9th Amendments of that Constitution, thereby becoming an oppressive government. 

That guns are an ineffective means of self defense for rational adults, but in the hands of an ignorant criminal become a threat to the fabric of society. 

That guns are so complex to use that special training is necessary to use them properly, and so simple to use that they make murder easy. 

That guns contribute to high death rates and should be banned, but tobacco and alcohol are okay. 

That guns cause crime, which is why there has never been a mass slaying at a gun show. 

That guns cause crime, just like matches cause arson. 

That guns cause crime, just like women cause prostitution. 

That guns cause crime, just like men cause rape. 

That guns aren’t necessary to national defense, which is why the army only has 3 million of them. 

That banning guns works, which is why New York, DC, and Chicago cops need guns against armed criminals. 

That the Constitution protects us, so we don’t need guns, and can confiscate them, thereby violating the 5th amendment of that constitution. 

That women are just as intelligent and capable as men, and a woman with a gun is “an accident waiting to happen.” 

That women are just as intelligent and capable as men, and gun maker's advertisements aimed at women are “preying on their fears.” 

That a handgun, with up to 4 switches and controls, is far too complex for the typical adult to learn to use, as opposed to an automobile that
only has 20.

That handguns are useful only for murder, which is why the police and military define them as defensive weapons. 

That neighbors who carry guns against the occasional lunatic are paranoid, because of the perfectly justifiable fear that every single one of them is waiting to turn into a lunatic. 

That a majority of the population supports gun control, just like a majority of the population used to support owning slaves. 

That one should ignore as idiots politicians who confuse Wicca with Satanism and exaggerate the gay community as a threat to society, but listen sagely to politicians who can refer to a self-loading small arm as a “weapon of mass destruction” and an “assault weapon.” 

That there is no absolute right to a weapon, documented historically because the British government used to prohibit Catholics from owning guns. And that wasn’t a sign of religious bigotry.

That rifles with pistol grips are assault weapons, just like vehicles with racing stripes are sports cars. 

That you don’t need a gun against invaders, because the government will know in plenty of time to issue you whatever weapons you need. 

That Massachusetts is safer with bans on guns, which is why Teddy Kennedy has machinegun toting guards. 

That most people can’t be trusted, so we should have laws against guns, which most people will abide by, because they can be trusted. 

That a woman raped and strangled with her panties is morally superior to a woman with a smoking gun and a dead rapist at her feet. 

That guns should be banned because of the danger involved, and live reporting from the battlefield, which can keep the enemy informed of troop deployments, getting thousands of troops killed and perhaps losing a war, is a protected act that CANNOT be compromised on. 

That the right of www.peeingschoolgirls.com cannot be questioned because it is a constitutionally protected extension of the Bill of Rights, and the claim that handguns are for self defense is merely an excuse, and not really protected by the Bill of Rights. 

That the ACLU is good because it uncompromisingly defends certain parts of the Constitution, and the NRA is bad, because it defends other parts of the Constitution. 

That a house with a gun is three times as likely to have a murder, just like a house with insulin is three times as likely to have a diabetic. 

That police operate in groups with backup, which is why they need larger capacity magazines than civilians, who must face criminals alone, and therefore need less ammunition. 

That we should ban “Saturday Night Specials” and other inexpensive guns because it’s not fair that poor people have access to guns too. 

That guns have no legitimate use, but alcohol does, which is why we issue cops guns instead of beer. 

That police and soldiers are the dregs of society who were unfit to get any real job, which perfectly qualifies them with the high moral standards and keen intellects to handle these complicated tools and be our guardians. 

That it’s acceptable to arm a courier at $6 an hour to shoot criminals for stealing bank deposits, but unacceptable for a college-educated business owner to do it himself. 

That a registration plan will reduce crime, because criminals will register their guns despite the Supreme Court decision Haynes v. U.S. (309 U.S. 85, 1968) that registration violates self-incrimination. 

That it’s reasonable to require proof of a criminal act before an order of protection can be issued, and reasonable to assume anyone with a gun will commit a criminal act. 

That teaching abstinence exclusively rather than use of condoms is doomed to fail, but encouraging absolute bans on guns rather than education in safe use is the only acceptable method of reducing crime. 

That it is outrageous that civilians have rifles that were designed for the military, for self defense, but perfectly okay to have polluting, potentially unstable, heavy vehicles that were designed for the military, simply as status symbols. 

That guns are the gravest threat to society, because 83,000,000 gun owners didn’t commit a crime yesterday. 

That it is essential to incorporate locks and sensors into guns to make them safer, that only a criminal would not support them, and cops and federal agents would be exempt for safety reasons. 

That a bank guard can protect money with a gun, but you cannot protect your children with one. 

That all gun dealers sell illegal weapons, just like all black people sell drugs. 

That crime is higher in urban areas with less guns, and we must continue to disarm the minorities in these areas because of the risk of crime, and that isn’t bigotry. 

That an underpaid, overworked bodyguard should be glad to throw himself in front of a bullet for you. 

That your safety is someone else’s responsibility, but they have no right to tell you how to live your life. 

That guns are useless against tyranny, because an armed populace of 160 million cannot defeat an army of 2 million mixed in among it. 

That if the above is true, we should not be terrified of the concept of that government holding control of our lives and freedom at its whim. 

That the piecemeal destruction of the right to keep and bear arms makes the right useless, and therefore justifies destroying it further. 

That one should be more afraid of one’s spouse blowing a gasket and shooting the children, than of those children being run over by a hormone-driven teenager in a car. 

“It can’t happen here.” 

That people are too stupid to handle guns, but are intelligent enough to vote. 

That guns are not an effective means of self-defense, which is why police carry them. 

That one can “study” the “gun issue,” but know the difference between an assault rifle and a battle rifle. 

That the NRA, with over 3 million members, is “out of touch” with America, and HCI, with 50 thousand members, is a “mandate from the people.” 

That a baseball bat is good protection against a burglar, provided his gun fires baseballs. 

That to judge a group by secondhand news and hearsay is bigotry, unless that group is the NRA. 

That the National Defense Act of 1916 doesn’t exist. 

That pricing products out of the reach of poor people through excessive regulation is discriminatory practice, unless that product is a gun. 

That manufacturers are not responsible for damages caused by their products, unless that product is a gun. 

That trigger locks and other devices make guns safer, which is why the police and military refuse to use them. 

That registration of guns will help law enforcement, because that way they won’t need probable cause and a warrant to conduct a search. 

That registration of guns, which makes their existence a matter of public knowledge under the FOIA, isn’t dangerous to owners. 

That registration of guns, in violation of the McClure-Volkmer Act, and as declared unconstitutional by the Supreme Court, is somehow still legal. 

That private citizens making private sales of private property is a “loophole.” 

That making it harder to get a license to sell firearms legally will reduce the number of people selling illegally. 

That it’s safer to do nothing than resist with a gun, which is why the military wins so many wars by not fighting. 

That we must close shooting ranges because of the noise, but ban silencers because they are quiet. 

That owning a gun for self-defense indicates an intent to kill, just like owning a first aid kit indicates an intent to impersonate a physician. 

That guns are an “epidemic” so we should treat them with penicillin. 

That there’s no right to own military weapons, which is why the Civilian Marksmanship Program at http://www.odcmp.com exists to sell military weapons to civilians under Congressional authority. 

That suggesting teachers be armed is an outrageous suggestion for a “civilized” society, which is why the Swiss and Israelis do it. 

That making it harder and harder for even cops to have guns on school property will make it harder for lunatics to kill the utterly helpless students. 

That accidents with a product justify banning the product, even though MADD has never called for a ban on alcohol, people actively push to legalize drugs, and no one wants to ban swimming pools, so basically it’s only practical items like guns we should ban and not the luxury items that are essential to human survival. 

That the 14th Amendment requires states to accept each other’s drivers licenses, even with age or vision requirement differences, marriage licenses even with age or relationship differences or if it’s a gay marriage, but somehow doesn’t apply to licenses to carry weapons. 

That the same people who build illegal high-tech drug labs for less than $30,000 won’t build illegal low-tech gun shops for less than $10,000. 

That people with large gun collections are dangerous, especially if they have more than two hands to shoot with. 

That autoloaders are “easily converted” to fully automatic fire, and the person telling you this has no idea how it’s accomplished. 

That banning rifles with bayonet lugs will cut down on all the drive-by bayoneting. 

That shooting at an intruder who smashes your door and enters with knife in hand will somehow “escalate the violence.” 

That it is illegal to use tax money for political campaigning, unless it’s to ban guns. 

That it’s safer with less guns, which is why lunatics shoot up schools instead of gun shows or police stations. 

That guns cause crime, which is why there was no rape or murder in the Dark Ages. 

That stopping the people who don’t commit murder from having guns will lessen the number of those who do. 

Since banning a few guns hasn’t helped, we should ban more. 

That just like the anti-nuclear weapons movement, if the potential victims disarm, the oppressors will take pity on them and give up their weapons in remorse. 

That oppressing gun owners until they violate the law justifies oppressing them further. 

That “crime guns” and old police guns should be destroyed at government expense, because the cost of exorcising the evil spirits from them before selling them to lawful owners is exorbitant. 

That raising the legal age to possess firearms from 18 to 21 will REALLY show those 16 year olds. 

That inner-city blacks in public housing should be disarmed to prevent crimes, but not rich white suburbanites. And it isn’t a sign of racism.

That creating firearms crime by having a Byzantine code of firearm laws proves there’s a problem, and justifies more laws to create more crime. 

That parents who give guns to problem children to “teach them responsibility” are not responsible for the deaths they cause, but everyone else’s guns are. 

That gun owners are a threat by existing that must be destroyed by any means possible, and their rights are unimportant, but the thugs who attack us on the street who the gun owners wish to be armed against are simply a problem we have to put up with. 

That one should judge all gun owners by the acts of a few criminals, just like one should judge all blacks by the acts of a few inner-city crack dealers. 

That making it harder to get firearms legally will reduce their illegal use, just like making it harder to get a prescription will cut down on the illicit drug trade. 

That it’s tragic when a child dies in a firearms accident, and we must pass restrictive laws to prevent it, but children poisoned by household chemicals are simply unavoidable accidents. 

That I don’t need a gun, therefore no one needs one, and I have the right to impose that belief and will on them. 

That stupidity can be cured by legislation.

That societies with less guns have less killings by guns. Just like societies with less cars have less vehicular homicide.

That criminals who rob to support their drug habit can afford $65 a minute in ammunition for their automatic “Weapon of choice.” 

That with nationwide gun control, the entire nation can be as safe as NYC, LA and Chicago. 

That since a gun isn’t 100% effective for self defense, you should get rid of it, along with your first aid kit and fire extinguisher, since they aren’t 100% effective, either. 

That if Chicago were to legalize firearms, it would have shootouts in the streets, which never happens now. 

That it’s wrong to use tax dollars to finance private political agendas, unless that agenda is to ban guns. 

That a "safe gun" will help stop criminal misuse of firearms like "safe sex" works so well to stop rape. 

That a cop with felonies on his record is safe with fully automatic weapons and a churchgoing mother with a parking ticket as her worst crime is unfit to use a pistol to protect her child.